Author Archives: herbert j. cohen

In 2007, Rabbi Aharon Lichtenstein, of blessed memory, gave a talk to students reflecting on his career path in Jewish education. At the time, he was one of the heads of a prominent yeshiva in Israel. However, his intellectual journey included stops at Harvard University where he earned a doctorate in English literature and Yeshiva University where he was a student of Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik, one of the great Torah thinkers of the twentieth century.

In his talk he said that his greatest single success is, without a doubt, his family. Rabbi Lichtenstein understood that what is most important is not an academic degree or a prestigious job, but rather family, the bedrock of a meaningful life. I thought of this as I watched Like Father, Like Son, a moving story of two families whose children are switched at birth, and the consequences of that traumatic event.

Ryota Nonomiya is an ambitious, successful, and self-absorbed architect, addicted to his computer whenever he has a spare moment. He sees himself as extremely bright, talented, and possessing a solid work ethic. He rarely shows emotion, and his wife Midori and son Keita long for his attention.

On one fateful day, the hospital in which his son was born calls for a meeting with him and his wife. They learn that at birth his real son was switched with the child who presently they view as their son. The hospital acknowledges the error and seeks to place the boys with their blood parents.

Ryota and Midori soon meet with the other parents, Yukari and Yudai, people of modest means, but whose home is filled with warmth and love. After getting to know them a little better, they decide to switch children for one weekend. Ryusei, their biological son, spends a tense time in the home of Ryoto and Midori, his real parents, whose home is much more rigid than the one in which he was raised. Keita more easily adapts to the loving home of his real parents who fill the air with laughter and optimism.

The switch is extended for more weekends as both sets of parents struggle to determine what to do: keep the child they raised so far or take their blood child. The transition period is difficult since all of the parents have invested much love in their charges. Moreover, the children themselves have difficulty adjusting to the ambiance in their new homes, which are vastly different from their previous ones. What decision will be the wisest given the emotional realities?

Like Father, Like Son deals with some important parenting issues. What defines a good parent? Is it one who pushes his child to excel and gives him tangible rewards, or is it one who gives his child an abundance of love, joy, and time? Furthermore, how important is the amount of time you spend with your children?

Jewish tradition has an instructive approach on what it means to be a parent. The parent’s mission is to educate the child, not just to bring him physically into the world. The ancient Midrash tells us “he who brings up a child is to be called its father, not he who gave birth.” Parenting, therefore, is both a physical and emotional task, and the wise parent has to connect on both levels.

In a sense, the parent is God’s representative on earth, and children need to see parents, like the Divine, as symbols of authority and symbols of love. In the liturgy of the Jew, God is often referred to as “our Father, our King.” What this appellation means is that we relate to God as a King upon whom we are totally dependent, but we also relate to God as the loving father, who sticks with us even when we err. Like Father, Like Son reminds us of the complex nature of parenting, which beckons us not only to instruct but to unconditionally love our children.

Purchase this movie from Amazon.com.

When I call up people to get information I need, the conversation begins with this question: do you have time to talk now? If the answer is no, I say I will call later.

I am very sensitive to time issues because I value time. I count my minutes and struggle to make the most of whatever time is available. Inwardly, I am upset when I am involved in a conversation that goes nowhere and that simply keeps recycling the same stuff.

The value of time is immense and can sometimes make a profound difference in outcomes. Such is the situation in the tense thriller Changing Lanes, which considers the calamitous results of being late when an important matter needs to be resolved. Minutes can make the difference between success and failure at business and in life.

Gavin Banek is a successful lawyer. His agenda for the day is to go to court to file a power of appointment showing that a wealthy man on the verge of death assigned the administration of his charitable foundation to Banek’s law firm. The man’s daughter is contesting the appointment, arguing that her father did not know what he was doing when he signed the papers Banek gave him.

Across town Doyle Gipson is also on his way to court. His agenda: to gain custody of his children and prevent his wife from moving to Oregon with his kids. Banek and Gipson get into a fender bender on the FDR Drive in New York, and both are delayed from arriving at their destinations. In a rush Banek offers Gipson a blank signed check to pay for damages; he does not want to take the time to fill out a police report and insurance claim.

Gipson, a recovering alcoholic, wants to play by the book and does not accept the check. He wants “to do the right thing,” but Banek does not let him. Instead, he leaves the scene of the accident, with Gipson stranded with a flat tire.

When Gipson arrives at court twenty minutes late, he discovers that the judge has already ruled against him in the case. Failure to appear on time has devastating consequences for him and for his relationship with his family.

When Banek arrives in court, also late, he realizes he dropped the critical power of appointment document and he guesses that Gipson may have it. Thus, a scenario is set up where not being on time changes the destinies of both men. These basically good men are tested by a host of adverse circumstances and allow anger to drive them to outrageous acts of revenge.

Changing Lanes is a film with many messages. It reminds us not to let anger dominate our responses to provocations. Once angry, we lose control over outcomes. Furthermore, it reminds us of how important it is to keep our time commitments, for this affects not only our lives but the lives of others as well. When Banek offers to pay Gipson money to make things right, Gipson excoriates him: “Money. You think I want money? What I want is my morning back. I need you to give my time back to me. Can you give me back my time? Can you give my time back to me?”

The film reminds us that although people make terrible mistakes, reconciliation and forgiveness are still possible. In many cases, errors can be rectified. Ill will can turn into friendship and good will.

Jewish tradition is very clear on matters of repentance. If a person injures another either physically, financially, or emotionally, there is a road back. All he has to do is acknowledge his mistake, resolve not to do it again, and ask the injured party for forgiveness. In a mood of calm thoughtfulness, bridges of peace can be built over the most raging of rivers.

Purchase this movie from Amazon.com.

The son of a good friend of mine announced to his family that he was not going to college. His parents, both professionals, were disturbed and appalled by their son’s decision but could not do anything about it. They, therefore, accepted it grudgingly and moved on with their lives. Many years later, after their son became wildly successful in business, they understood that to be successful every child does not have to attend university. Some may profit more from the school of life than a traditional school.

The conflict between how parents and children view higher education is at the heart of The Way, the picturesque narrative of the journey Thomas Avery, an American ophthalmologist, takes to pay homage to his dead son, Daniel, who perished in an accident on the Catholic pilgrimage road to the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in rural Spain.

At the outset, Thomas travels abroad to identify and claim the remains of this son. Once there, he decides to take the same walk that his son attempted, carrying with him Daniel’s ashes, which he sprinkles at various signposts along his journey. While walking on the trail, Thomas meets three pilgrims, each of whom has a specific reason for making the pilgrimage. Their reason is not to find spiritual meaning in life, but to accomplish certain goals. One wants to lose weight. Another wants to quit smoking, and another, a writer, wants to overcome “writer’s block.”

As they walk from place to place, Thomas and his newfound friends experience a number of challenges which bring them closer together as friends and makes them more empathetic to the unspoken personal issues each one is dealing with on their journey. When the group finally arrives at Santiago de Compostela, they discover for themselves and reveal to each other the real reasons why they joined the pilgrimage. Thomas, whose story is the central one, now understands the words that his son said to him before leaving home to explore the world.

As Thomas drove his son to the airport, he questions why Daniel is leaving. With typical parental concern, he reminds Daniel that he is choosing a life that may prevent him from succeeding in a professional career, especially since Daniel has told him that he does not plan to finish his doctoral studies at the university. Daniel responds: “You don’t choose a life, dad. You live one.”

Daniel reminds his father that Margaret Mead did not become a famous authority in primitive cultures only by studying about them. She actually went and lived among them. She talked with them, breathed the same air, and shared experiences with them. It was that first-hand contact with the locals that gave her an understanding that transcended what she learned in books.

Jewish tradition places great value on learning from life, beyond what is learned in books. There is a commandment in the Bible to stand up before the grey-haired man, before the senior citizen, even if he is unlearned. Why? Because, say our Sages, life itself is the great teacher and the fact that a man has survived the ages and lived to be an old man is something that we revere, irrespective of how wise he may be. Certainly the man who gains wisdom through books is to be respected whether he is old or young. But the man of wide life experience also is worthy of our respect because he has studied the book of life and found it full of intellectual, spiritual, and emotional treasures.

The Way is a film about one man’s journey to self-understanding, but his personal journey is a metaphor for the journey of all men who seek to understand life. The Way reminds us that knowledge of self is achieved not just by conventional study of texts, but by learning from our idiosyncratic life experiences.

Purchase this movie from Amazon.com.