Category Archives: Romance

When I was in high school, I had a part-time job at a local pharmacy, working the evening shift from 4 PM until 11:30 and all day Sunday. It was the only store open on Sunday during the late 1950s, before the days of 24/7, or 24/6 in Israel.

One Sunday, a customer entered with a frightful face that was hard to look at. It looked like part of his face had been blown off. He had no nose, just a hole in the middle of his face where a nose was supposed to be, and his ears were deformed as well. Although his mouth was distorted, he spoke normally and I understood all of his requests. In fact, he was the best customer I had all day, for he bought gifts for his family that he would see later that day.

Many years later when I was reading Dalton Trumbo’s controversial anti-war book Johnny Got His Gun, I thought of him. I thought of him again when I heard Bob Dylan’s anti-war song “John Brown,” which is about a boy who leaves for war amid cheers and returns damaged both physically and mentally.

The classic film The Best Years of Our Lives deals with the aftermath of war and the challenge that servicemen face when they re-enter the world after their wartime experiences. The movie presents three different responses in the narratives of Fred Derry, Al Stevenson, and Homer Parish. The world has moved on, and these men come back to an unfamiliar landscape, but one to which they must adjust if they are to lead successful lives.

Fred was a captain in the Air Force, where he served valiantly to protect his fellow soldiers, but prior to the war he was a soda jerk with little education and without much of a future. Al was a sergeant who saw action in the Pacific, and he returns to an executive position at the bank for which he worked before the war. Homer was a star athlete, but lost his arms below the elbow in a ship fire. For him, the tragic legacy of the war lingers because of his physical disability. Now he has hooks instead of hands and his self-esteem has plummeted.

Homer, engaged to Wilma, feels that people see him as a freak of some kind, causing him to withdraw from Wilma. He does not want to be a burden to her, yet he loves her dearly. In a sublimely touching scene, he shows her what he has to do to manage his disability, for he cannot button his pajamas or open a door. With tenderness, Wilma buttons his pajamas and pledges her love to him. It is a happy ending to a stressful time in Homer’s life.

Jewish tradition has a special take on disabilities of all kinds. In the Talmud, there is a strange story about an extremely ugly person. The Talmud recounts that Rabbi Shimon ben Eleazar encountered this man; and when the ugly man extended a greeting to him, Rabbi Shimon mocked him. The ugly man then responded: why not go to the Artisan who made me and tell him “how ugly is the vessel You made.” Rabbi Shimon realized that he spoke cruelly, forgetting that God is the final arbiter of disability, and begged the man for forgiveness.

What the story teaches us is that God is the artisan that made all men, some ugly and some beautiful, and physical appearance has little or nothing to do with the way God sees us. God relates to what is inside, not to what is on the surface. This reflects how we should relate to the disabled, not with insensitivity, but with compassion and love, recognizing that we all are created in God’s image. Homer’s story in The Best Years of Our Lives reminds us to treat all people, and especially the disabled, with kindness, with respect, and with love.

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A friend once told me when he was going through some difficult times that his wife counseled him never to let someone live rent-free in his head. In other words, if you have issues with someone, resolve the issue and do not allow it to weigh you down or preoccupy your thoughts. Preoccupation with a negative experience or negative person can prevent you from accomplishing your goals. It is wise to let go of the past so you can have a future.

This essentially is the dramatic crux of The Railway Man, the story of Eric Lomax, a British officer captured by the Japanese in World War II. Sent to a prisoner-of-war camp, he is brutally tortured for building a radio receiver out of spare parts. Although his only goal was to hear news about the progress of the war that might lift his spirits and those of other prisoners, his captors view him as a spy and punish him savagely. The scars of that torture remain with him even after the war, giving him nightmares and horrific memories that disturb his emotional equilibrium.

For many years, Lomax suffers psychologically because of his wartime torture. It is only after his marriage to Patti, a calming influence in his life, that he decides to confront the demons of the past so that he can have a normal life, free of frightening dreams that take him back to his Japanese incarceration.

Eric discovers that the Japanese secret police officer, Takeshi Nagase, who brutalized him escaped prosecution as a war criminal and now works as a tour guide at the site of the old POW camp. Lomax travels there and confronts his old nemesis, threatening to kill him. But Eric is essentially a decent man unable to kill an unarmed man. His humanity touches his former nemesis, who reveals his sincere remorse for his actions so many years before. He reminds Eric that he did what he did because he thought his country’s survival was at stake. Only after the war did he see the objective cruelty of his behavior.

The encounter with Eric paves the way for reconciliation between villain and victim. Their portentous meeting is cathartic for Eric and allows him to move beyond the memory of his past suffering into a happier, more life-affirming existence. After their meeting, he writes to Takeshi: “Dear Mr. Nagase, the war has been over for many years. I have suffered much, but I know you have suffered, too. And you have been most courageous, and brave in working for reconciliation. While I cannot forget what happened in Kanchanaburi, I assure you of my total forgiveness. Sometime the hating has to stop.”

What enables him to forgive Takeshi is Eric’s deep love for his wife, Patti, who truly wants Eric to move beyond his past suffering into a happy future. His abiding affection for her motivates him to transcend painful yesterdays and focus on the present. Patti never pushes him to confront his past; rather she gently and lovingly suggests that he needs to confront the past so that they can build a happy marriage, free of painful memories. She is the helpful, supportive presence that enables him to move forward with his life.

When Adam marries Eve, the Bible uses a strange phrase to describe Eve’s relationship to Adam. The Hebrew phrase is ezer k’negdo, which literally means “she is a helpmate in opposition to him.” It is a contradictory and confusing description. The Sages explain the phrase as follows: if a man is worthy, then his wife will help him achieve his goals in life. If he is not, then she will work against him and prevent him from accomplishing his life’s goals.

Eric is a worthy man, blessed with Patti as his wife, for she enables him to confront former times and become emotionally healthy for the balance of his life. Patti does not judge him or criticize him. She only seeks to help him, and she does this by giving him the psychic room to resolve the issue on his own. The Railway Man is a testament to the resilient spirit of man, which can often be attributed to the resilient and wise spirit of his wife.

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I saw The Theory of Everything shortly after I underwent an unplanned coronary bypass operation. For the first time in my life, I understood experientially what it means not to have control over one’s body. I felt completely vulnerable and the experience evoked much introspection. It, therefore, was not difficult for me to relate to the catastrophe that takes over the life of Stephen Hawking, a Cambridge Physics student who suddenly discovers he has a motor-neuron disease, which is known today as ALS. It is a progressive disease in which one loses all physical control of one’s body. Only the brain is still functional.

The narrative begins at Cambridge where Stephen meets Jane Wilde, a literature student. In addition to being physically attracted to one another, they have a strong intellectual compatibility and soon fall in love. When Stephen discovers his motor-neuron disease, Jane does not abandon him; instead she decides to marry him and be a source of love and support through his difficult medical journey.

Stephen continues at college and receives his doctorate in physics. He shows great promise in the world of academia, but as his illness progresses his relationship with his wife is strained. Amazingly, they have three children in spite of Stephen’s physical challenges and his marriage miraculously survives for a number of years.

To manage her stressful life at home, Jane joins the church choir, which for her is a natural extension of her faith. Her religious sensibility is something which Stephen does not share; being the detached scientist, he can only relate to that which is objectively verifiable.

As the disease worsens, technology comes to the rescue, enabling Stephen to talk through a computer with a built-in voice synthesizer. He becomes deeply engaged in his work and less engaged with his wife, who is finding life with Stephen difficult and stressful. Eventually, they divorce amicably as Stephen’s academic career blossoms allowing him to be productive intellectually in spite of his debilitating physical state.

Later on when they visit the Queen of England for an important personal audience with Her Majesty, Stephen asks his former wife and his children to accompany him. He smiles broadly at his children and says to Jane, “Look what we made.” Stephen understands that his greatest and most satisfying legacy is not his scientific publication but rather his children. They are the legacy that matters.

The first commandment in the Bible is to be fruitful and multiply. Having children creates a legacy. According to Jewish law, this commandment is fulfilled when one has a son and a daughter. Rabbi Mordechai Becher insightfully observes: “having children also helps the individual achieve his purpose in creation, by improving his character. Nurturing, caring for and educating children encourages the development of sympathy, mercy, and sensitivity to others.” Having kids compels one to think of others, and not be totally absorbed by one’s own needs.

Moreover, Jewish tradition mentions ways people can have “children” even if they physically cannot produce children. If one is not blessed with the ability to have kids, then a legacy of good deeds can resonate into the future. If one is a teacher, one can raise many disciples because students are viewed as one’s children. When a teacher passes along wisdom to subsequent generations, he is leaving a legacy of wisdom for his students and the children of his students.

The Theory of Everything reminds us that Hawking’s greatest gift to the world may not be his scientific theory, but his children who are the living embodiment of his thoughts and his hopes for the future. The insights and wisdom he imparts to them in the crucible of daily life find expression in the words and personalities of his children who live after him.

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A friend of mine lamented that his son never asks him for advice. He wants to be relevant in his son’s life, but throughout his teen years and into adulthood his son has never consulted him about important life choices. The present reality is that his son has made many mistakes in life. He is now unemployed, devoid of savings, and is unmarried. The father yearns to be mentor to his son, but his son is not interested. I was reminded of this as I watched The Namesake, a wise narrative about a man born in India, who journeys to the United States for his education and for a job.

Ashoke Ganguil is very much an Indian at heart, but circumstances compel him to see his destiny in America. Although he marries Ashima, an Indian girl, they move to America where they raise their children, a boy, Gogol, and a girl, Sonia.

The film chronicles Ashoke and Ashima’s adjustment to a new land, which includes a gradual emotional separation from their parents and their ethnic traditions. A sore point between the father and son is the bestowing of the name Gogol on his son. His son has heard many times that his father considered Gogol a great writer and that is why he bears his name. However, Ashoke hints at various times that there is deeper reason for giving his son that strange name.

When the adult Gogol brings his girlfriend to meet his parents, Ashoke senses that the time to engage his son in meaningful conversation is dwindling. Ashoke insists upon having some private time with him to explain why he gave him the name Gogol. Ashokke wants to talk to him heart to heart, free of any distractions. He takes Gogol for a drive and stops to share the story of the origin of his name with him.

As he was was riding in a train in India many years ago, he was reading Gogol’s famous short story “The Overcoat.“ Another passenger noticed how wrapped up he was in the book and encouraged him to travel, see the world, and learn about life first-hand. Ashoke responded that this is what books are for. They allow you to travel to faraway places and still stay where you are.

The next moment the train crashes and his fellow passenger is killed along with many others. Ashoke miraculously is saved; in the hospital recuperating, he resolves to see the world up close, not through books. The trauma of almost losing his life while reading Gogol made him want to memorialize the moment, and so he named his son Gogol to always remember his good fortune at being rescued from almost certain death.

At that moment, Gogol begins to see his fatherly differently. He is no longer the titular head of the family; he is the wise man who is sharing wisdom with his son. He wants to leave him a meaningful legacy. He wants to teach him the value of life, the supreme value of time. The name Gogol transmits this life-affirming message.

The Torah, the repository of Jewish wisdom, is to be transmitted from generation to generation, from father to son. The Sages compare Torah to a living tree that gives spiritual sustenance to all who study and practice it. The father is the agent of that transmission. Just as a mother innately wants to nourish her child with milk, so does the father want to nourish his child with wisdom, for wisdom shared grows exponentially. The reality, however, is that children are often not ready to listen.

The wisdom of Mark Twain is relevant, for it advises us to shift our paradigms when it comes to parental guidance. He observed: “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

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