Category Archives: Romance

A female physician, who married a number of years ago, recently introduced me to her husband. I expected to meet a college grad in some white collar job, but I did not. Instead, I met a very sweet guy who worked as an auto mechanic in a local service station. I wondered what prompted each one to connect with each other, but soon realized that just because two people have similar educational backgrounds does not mean they are compatible intellectually and emotionally. Sometimes, opposites do attract. That is at the core of Say Anything, a teen romance between a class valedictorian and an affable young man who has no idea of what he wants to do with his life.

Lloyd Dobler, an average student who envisions kickboxing as a possible career, one day decides to date the brilliant Diane Court immediately after they graduate from high school before she leaves for college. Say Anything follows their relationship as it waxes and wanes through the prism of teenage angst.

It is 1988 and Diane is practicing her valedictorian speech. Although the talk is humorless, Lloyd still wants to date her, and so he asks her to come with him to a graduation party. Surprisingly, she accepts even though she has little idea of who Lloyd is. When she attends, she has a great time and feels more integrated into the world of other teenagers, who are more socially adept than she.

Diane continues to date Lloyd and they both enjoy one another’s company. When Diane learns that she has won a prestigious scholarship in England, Lloyd wants to come with her, much to the chagrin of Diane’s father. Plot complications ensue as she and Lloyd travel their rocky road to love in spite of their disparate backgrounds.

Jewish tradition is very clear on who has the final say when it comes to compatibility between couples. They are encouraged to consult with parents and trusted friends, but the final decision is the couple’s. The Babylonian Talmud tractate of Kiddushin (41a) records that “it is forbidden for a man to marry off his daughter when she is young, until she is older and says, “He is the one I wish to marry.” Moreover, even arranged marriages were never forced.  The consent of a Jewish young man and woman was required as a pre-condition for the match. Furthermore, the Biblical story of Isaac and Rebecca indicates that their wedding was not considered a done deal until Rebecca had given her consent. As the Torah says, “Let us call the maiden and ask her (Genesis 24:57).”

This principle of mutual consent was later made part of Jewish law. The great medieval sage Maimonides in his code of Jewish law, the Mishna Torah, declares that “a woman cannot be married unless she consents to the match of her own free will.” The Talmud thoughtfully mentions the following precautions before marrying: buy land quickly but be deliberate in finding a wife, don’t betroth a woman you have not seen, find a woman close in age to you, and do not marry for money.

Lloyd Dobler is very deliberate in his quest for Diane’s affection. He is not interested in money. He likes her looks but also admires her braininess and her good character. That is what sets Diane apart from other girls. She is a thinker who both examines and experiences life. This is what brings them together in spite of their different social and educational histories. The fact that they can be honest with each other and “say anything” makes their relationship special. Both Lloyd and Diane are without pretense and that paves the way for an enduring relationship.

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I recall that, as a teenager, I felt ready to get married at age 14. The hormones were operating at a high level and dating in my own mind was serious. Fortunately, I did not act on impulse and I matured, realizing that marriage was a serious and sacred enterprise that required a commitment of soul, not just bodies.

Now that I have entered the ranks of senior citizens, I understand better that love within marriage grows in many ways: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Marriage counselors of all stripes advise couples to work at marriage even in the senior years to keep it fresh and alive. That essentially is the narrative arc of Hope Springs, a thoughtful film about seniors dealing with a changing relationship that needs an infusion of passion at all levels to prevent the marriage from atrophy.

Empty nesters Kay and Arnold Soames, after 31 years of marriage, have fallen into a rut. Their marriage is devoid of passion and even simple connection. They sleep in separate bedrooms and their conversation is perfunctory. On one fateful day, Kay buys a book about how to keep a marriage fresh written by Dr. Bernie Feld, who runs a marriage counseling center in a remote coastal town in Maine. Kay signs up for a week-long therapy session and Arnold reluctantly goes. So begins an engaging account of Arnold and Kay’s attempt to rekindle the love that once was and seems to be no more.

The therapy involves Dr. Feld asking many candid questions about Kay and Arnold’s views of marital intimacy and how they feel about one another now. Touching one another for extended periods of time is the first exercise by Dr. Feld, and things progress from there to greater intimacy in all manifestations.

Kay and Arnold make progress and then return to Omaha, their home. At first, things begin to unravel, but when Kay and Arnold realize how much is at stake for both of them at this time of their lives, they recommit to working at their marriage. The two gifted actors who play Kay and Arnold, Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, enable the film to achieve a depth and honesty that is extraordinary and separate this film from others that also deal with an aging husband and wife adjusting to their changing minds and bodies.

The Sages of old tell us that although the primary purpose of marriage is to have children, intimacy within marriage is considered good even after a couple has children because it fortifies the marriage bond. The human touch is critical at all stages of marriage. It is interesting to note that during the childbearing years, traditional Judaism requires husband and wife to observe a separation during the wife’s menses and for seven days afterward. Practically speaking, this means that intimacy does not occur for approximately 12 days per month. After menopause, husband and wife can be intimate with one another all the time, as if to teach us that more touching is needed as one gets older so that one continues to feel desired.

Hope Springs reminds us that love springs eternal only if we work at it. Keeping busy with the technological conveniences of modern life, with cell phones, with computers, with surfing the internet allows us the freedom to communicate with the world; but the most important communication, suggest our Sages, is on the home front where we need to prioritize our communication efforts. A perfunctory kiss in the morning and a quick “I love you” is not enough. True love takes time to nurture and grow, but it can bring great rewards. Happily, Kay and Arnold make the investment that can save their future.

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Being a father has been and is one of the greatest gifts that I have been granted. Being called Abba/Dad/Father is more important and more gratifying than any other title I could possess. The appellation connects me with the cosmos, making me a messenger of past generations and a messenger of the future through my children.

Fatherhood is not simple. It presents challenges. As I have gotten older, I realize that I have been a different father for each of my kids. Proverbs tells us that we should raise a child according to his uniqueness, and I have tried to be nuanced in using my parenting tool box. It is not a cookie cutter activity, reflecting the reality that just as I have evolved as a human being throughout the years, my children also have evolved from childhood to adulthood, and they are still works in progress.

Jewish tradition tells me that I am my child’s primary teacher, although I can delegate that responsibility to teachers and schools. But the buck stops with me. Which is why parenting can be both joyous and stressful. Having acquired a plethora of life experiences, I want to share them with my children and save them from making mistakes. The reality is, however, that kids often want to test the waters themselves. When a parent wants to be prescriptive, kids may see that as meddlesome, implicitly suggesting that the child cannot make the right call on his own.

This complex father-son relationship is depicted in Silver Linings Playbook, a profanity-laced but genuine look at a family dynamic under stress. The films opens as Pat Solitano, who has bipolar disorder, is released from a mental health facility into the care of his parents. His wife, Nikki , has gone to the courts to have a restraining order placed on Pat because of his proclivity to violence. His father, Pat Sr., has lost his job and now wants to open a restaurant from his earnings as a bookmaker. In spite of this climate of negativity, Pat is determined to reconcile with his wife and find employment, always looking at things positively, looking for the silver lining beyond the present clouds.

It is clear that Pat is still not finished with his therapy; but the court, through a plea bargaining arrangement, has reduced the time that Pat is institutionalized. Refusing to take his meds, he is an accident waiting to happen, responding way out of proportion to life’s inevitable challenges. In one symptomatic scene, he wakes up his parents in the middle of the night asking if they know where his wedding video is. It is hilarious and sad at the same time.

Pat’s life begins to turn around when he meets Tiffany, a young widow who also has lost her job and shares a number of neuroses with Pat. It is a tumultuous relationship, but one that forces Pat to look at himself honestly and to begin to adjust to his new reality.

As his relationship with Tiffany deepens, his father does not understand the nature of their connection and how it is providing the necessary therapy for Pat’s recovery. His Dad only wants to spend time with his son to improve his rapport with him, but he does not know how to do it other than to watch football games together. In a powerful scene between father and son, Dad, with tears in eyes, wonders whether he did enough as a parent. Did he favor Pat’s brother? Did he give Pat enough love? Pat for once does not interrupt his father. He listens without comment, and then hugs him. It is an epiphany of love as they embrace and resolve to be closer in the days and weeks ahead.

Silver Linings Playbook is a serious meditation on human relationships. When these relationships are tested in the crucible of life experience, we sometimes realize that the best way to communicate is not through words, but through the language of the heart.

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