Category Archives: Romance

When I was a synagogue rabbi in the early 70s, one of my most unsettling moments occurred when I had to officiate at the funeral of a teenage boy who died in a horrific accident. It was a rainy day, as if God Himself were weeping. What made it especially painful was the fact the father of the boy was a Holocaust survivor. I was amazed when I looked at the family during the eulogy. There was palpable, overwhelming sadness in the air; but the family’s faith in the face of terrible tragedy was manifest. A number of years later, this man’s wife was murdered in a random act of violence, and I could not help but wonder how the family could survive such a progression of tragedies, and yet they did. The Ethics of the Fathers tells us that man can never understand the ways of the infinite God, and so we move through life with unanswered questions all around us. The pain never goes away, but we find ways to cope.

Tender Mercies, a beautiful story of personal redemption in the face of adversity, reminds us that we can never know why things happen. All we can do is appreciate the tender mercies God grants to us in our lives which are filled with interludes of happiness and sadness.

Mac Sledge, played by Robert Duvall, is an over-the-hill country music star whose alcoholism has ruined his career. He awakens one morning in a forsaken Texas roadside motel and meets the owner, Rosa Lee, a young widow with a son named Sonny, who has lost her husband in Vietnam. She offers him room and board in exchange for his work at her motel and gas station on the condition that he does not drink while he is working for her. Over time, their feelings for one another grow and Mac eventually asks Rosa Lee to marry him. They attend church regularly and Mac finds that life is now full of promise. His emotional baptism ceremony represents his break with the past and his resolve to see life anew. Rosa Lee is largely responsible for his spiritual conversion. In a poignant scene, she tells Mac that “I say my prayers for you and when I thank the Lord for his tender mercies, you’re at the head of the list.”

With such love and encouragement, Mac’s life slowly turns around. His reputation as a songwriter inspires young musicians, and Mac decides to resurrect his career as a country music artist in a modest way. Secretly, however, he yearns to reconnect with his daughter, Sue Anne, whom he has not seen for many years. When the meeting occurs, it is filled with the hope of reconciliation; but tragically Sue Anne is killed in an automobile accident only days after they meet.

The trajectory of his life is a mystery to Mac and he wonders aloud to Rosa Lee: “I don’t know why I wandered out to this part of Texas drunk, and you took me in and pitied me and helped me to straighten out, marry me. Why? Why did that happen? Is there a reason that happened? And Sonny’s Daddy died in the war, my daughter killed in an automobile accident. Why?”

In the final scene of the movie, Mac has an epiphany. While throwing a football with Sonny, he smiles. He finally comprehends that finite man cannot know the answers to the riddles of life.  Mac has lost a daughter, but he can still be a father to Sonny.  A feeling of purpose animates his life in spite of personal failures and family tragedies. His story echoes the adage from Proverbs, which says that “seven times the righteous will fall, and then they will rise again.” In the Jewish view, it is important to fail forward, to use failure as a way to stimulate emotional growth and understanding.

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When I was in ninth grade, my Torah teacher told me what I should look for in a wife. He said that while outward beauty was important, it was not the critical ingredient for marital happiness. He urged me to stay away from girls who wore lots of make-up and who were acquisitive. For long-term happiness, you need a girl with good character, who is kind and understanding, soft in deed and word. His words made an impression on my young mind and I generally found myself dating those kinds of girls.

In secular literature, it is hard to find such a concern for good character when looking for a marriage partner. For example, in Jane Austen’s classic novel Pride and Prejudice, the parents of Elizabeth Bennett want her to marry a person of means. The key ingredients for marital bliss are wealth and eligibility, not good character. In Henry James’ Washington Square, Morris Townsend, the suitor of Catherine Sloper, is portrayed as a fortune hunter, interested in Catherine’s assets, not her character. In fact, Dr. Austin Slope, Catherine’s father, sees beneath Morris’s façade and forbids Catherine to marry him.

One notable exception to this pattern is Edward Rochester’s oblique pursuit of Jane Eyre in Charlotte Bronte’s famous novel Jane Eyre, which has inspired a number of film versions, the best of which is the PBS production directed by Susanna White and starring Toby Stephen as Edward Rochester and Ruth Wilson as a luminous Jane Eyre.

After ostensibly courting the wealthy and attractive socialite Blanche Ingram, Rochester finally confesses his love for Jane, whom he regards as a pure, simple, and virtuous soul.  Clearly, he values substance over form, good character over physical charm and beauty. It is of interest to note that Rochester is many years Jane’s senior, a person with much more life experience than Jane. Similarly, the Biblical courtship of Isaac for Rebecca, which is the topic of an extended narrative in the Bible, describes a relationship where the man is much older than the woman. But the age difference counts for little when the two lovers are on the same spiritual wavelength.

The quest to find a wife is a major task of Jewish men. To find one’s bashert, one’s destined one, a person must exert great personal effort and may also need to consult with many friends and relatives, including, of course, one’s parents. In the Bible, Abraham is actively engaged in finding a wife for his beloved son Isaac. He charges his trusted servant Eliezer with this responsibility and to travel to Aram-Naharaim, where Abraham’s family lived. There Abraham hopes that Eliezer will find a wife for Isaac.

Eliezer journeys there with ten of his master’s camels. The great explicator of Biblical text, Rashi, observes that the camels were identifiably those of Abraham because they were muzzled. Abraham’s camels would go out muzzled because of his concern for theft. He did not want his animals to graze in the field of others. Honesty was paramount to Abraham. For such a man, the litmus tests for a suitable wife were truthfulness, sincerity, and kindness, not the possession of wealth.

Eliezer, the trusted servant who came from the home of honest Abraham, determined that the woman who not only gives him water but his camels as well will be the one for Isaac, for she has demonstrated that she cares for all living creatures.

The story of Isaac’s quest for a wife is an early precursor of Rochester’s love for Jane. Both courtships remind us that, in the final analysis, wealth and beauty are passing. What remains is good character that lasts for a lifetime.

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As a youngster, I often found it hard to see how older people can be in love in the conventional romantic sense. After all, physically they were often overweight, had sagging skin, and possessed grey or no hair, hardly the attributes I would consider beautiful. But when I myself got older and also began to manifest those same characteristics, I realized that seniors could be deeply in love, and physical attributes were not important. Love transcends the physical in happily married couples. In time, I understood the wisdom of King Solomon in Proverbs who, in praising the woman of the house, reminds us that “outward grace is deceitful and beauty is vain,” and that the basis of enduring love is a shared life vision based upon a common spiritual destiny, not the smoothness of one’s skin or the size of a waistline.

This is one essential message of On Golden Pond, a story of a loving couple in the twilight of life.  Norman and Ethel Thayer, masterly played with great honesty and sensitivity by Henry Fonda and Katherine Hepburn, return to their summer home on Golden Pond. Norman is beginning to lose his memory and in a tense and disturbing moment runs back to his cottage without finishing the errand on which Ethel sent him. He confesses to her: “You know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our lane. I couldn’t remember where the old town road was. There was nothing familiar. Not one damn tree. Scared me half to death. That’s why I came running back here to you. So I could see your pretty face and I could feel safe and that I was still me.”

Spouses married for many years view love in ways that are impossible for newlyweds to understand. The ebbs and flows of life, the sharing of joys and sadness, bring loving couples closer together. Each represents a safe harbor to the other, a place of refuge from a world that is shutting down around them, when mortality is not an abstract concept, but an ever-approaching reality. This deep connection only develops over time, and does not come about instantaneously.

Another message of On Golden Pond relates to Norman’s relationship with this daughter Chelsea, from whom he has been estranged for many years. Chelsea calls Norman by his first name, which underlines the emotional distance between them. She returns to the summer cottage to celebrate her father’s 80^th birthday, but she still carries baggage with her. She remembers all the times her father was absorbed in his own pursuits, and not present for her emotionally.

Her mother finally rebukes her: “Don’t you think that everyone looks back on their childhood with a certain amount of bitterness and regret about something. You’re a big girl now. Aren’t you tired of it all? It doesn’t have to ruin your life.” This is a valuable life lesson:  get rid of old, unpleasant memory tapes; look with fresh, unbiased eyes at your old relationships and begin anew.

Chelsea eventually does this and, after many years, calls her father “Dad,” not by his first name, suggesting that she is now prepared for a new relationship with her father.

In Jewish law, a child is forbidden to call a parent by his first name. This implicitly instructs the child to be constantly aware of a parent as someone who is a source of authority, guidance, and love, not just another buddy. On Golden Pond reminds us to revisit our parental relationships, repair them if needed,  and create new memories that will bind together generations in the future.

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Living in Israel has brought me in touch with many people whom I met earlier in my life. Let me explain. Firstly, many friends of my youth had a dream of ultimately living in the holiest place in the world and now many of them are actually living here. It is a retirement village in which no one is really retired. Everybody is redefining themselves in some way and connecting to the eternal past of the Jewish people, while at the same time living a vibrant present existence. Secondly, there are others whom I meet not because they are new immigrants in the land, but because they come to Israel to bury a loved one. It is a place for an ingathering of the exiles, those who are living and those who are not. When we come to Israel, we know we are coming home in a profound way. Watching The Road Home evokes comparisons to this Jewish sensibility but emerges from a Chinese tradition.

The title of the film The Road Home alludes to the journey of a man to his final resting place. Specifically it refers to the tradition of carrying the coffin to the grave so that the deceased “doesn’t lose his way.” This is a movie about deeply held traditions that both animate and connect people over the span of many generations, traditions that link them to the past and to the future.

The film opens as an urban man is returning to the rural village of his birth to bury his father, a revered teacher who brought wisdom to many generations of youngsters. Looking at the photo of his parents evokes a retrospective of the courtship of his father and mother many years ago. It is a romance based not so much on physical attraction, although there is that element, but mostly on a shared understanding of life and a common destiny.

After this poetically charged story of courtship, the film returns to the preparations for the funeral, which will require a march of several miles to the burial site in the midst of a blinding snow storm. Everybody in the village wants to participate in this tradition of escorting the dead, especially when it is a way to show respect for a beloved teacher. Their affection for him is palpable as we watch the villagers vie for the opportunity to carry the bier despite the inclement weather.

As a final mark of respect and tribute for his father, the son, on the day after the funeral, teaches a lesson in the village schoolhouse which is about to be demolished. He stands before the children, echoing the instruction of his father. The subtitles emblazoned on the screen reveal clearly the life lessons imparted by his father: “In everything there is a purpose. Know the past. Know respect for your elders.” By encouraging the students to appreciate and value the past, he assures them of a meaningful present and future. The teacher is the glue that binds the generations.

Torah values are ubiquitous in the movie. There is the value of respect for elders, the value of respect for tradition, the value of a loving relationship founded on common values, and the value of finding meaning in adversity. Ecclesiastes tells us that “it is better to visit a house of mourning than a house of feasting, for that is the end of all men and the living will lay it to his heart (7:2).” In the case of The Road Home, the loss of a loved one becomes the road to greater self-understanding.

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