3:10 to Yuma (2007), directed by James Mangold

Three ten to Yuma posterI recently taught a poem entitled “Those Winter Sundays” by Robert Hayden to my eleventh grade English class. The poem is about the relationship between fathers and sons, how a son finally understands how much his father did for him as he raised him from boy to man. He remembers how hard his father worked to maintain his household and “no one ever thanked him.” He acknowledges that he was unaware of his father’s love for him, which was expressed in taking care of the daily needs of his family: “ What did I know, what did I know of love’s austere and lonely offices?”

These lines resonate in many films that show the complex relationship between fathers and sons, many of which reveal the son not appreciating his father until the father has passed away.

3:10 to Yuma is the story of Dan Evans, a poor rancher and veteran of the Civil War, who is struggling to keep his land in the face of people who want to take it away from him and sell it to the railroad at exorbitant profit. When two men set his barn on fire, he resolves to make things right; but his son, William, has little hope that his father can do this. When Dan tells his son that he will understand when he walks in his shoes, his son bitterly responds, “I ain’t never walking in your shoes.” He sees his father as weak and incapable of fixing anything. He does not see inner courage, only outer trembling.

Dan is pained by his son’s low estimation of him and will do anything to be a hero in his eyes, even escort Ben Wade, a notorious bank robber and murderer, to federal court in Yuma where he will probably be hanged. For a payment of $200 from the railroad company, a huge sum in those days, he puts his life on the line to save his farm and to redeem himself and his family. He wants his son to know that he was the one who brought Ben Wade to Yuma for trial when nobody else would, a feat that would impress and draw the admiration of his son. Against near impossible odds, he gets Ben Wade to the train to Yuma but with tragic consequences.

The Bible tells us that the commandment of honoring parents is rewarded with long life. A parent of a student I teach recently complained to me about his teenage son who almost never speaks to him. My friend said:  “I wish he was an adult already. Then we could talk to one another normally.” He also told me that even though he often told his son that he loved him, his son never told him “I love you, Dad.” He had no doubt that his son loved him but he wanted his son to have long life; it weighed on his mind that his son didn’t seem to understand how meaningful it would be if he would be more forthcoming with expressions of parental appreciation and affection.  To the father, expressing love verbally was a way to honor parents and for his son to receive the reward of long life. He was perplexed that his son was not taking advantage of this spiritual opportunity. Moreover, my friend was fearful that he would no longer be living in this world when his son finally wanted to verbally express his love.

3:10 to Yuma has a lot to say about father-son relationships. It reminds us of how much a father wants to be a good role model for his son, and how satisfying it can be to a parent when children express appreciation and love. A parent-child dynamic may be rooted in love, but the roots have to be watered for that love to flourish.

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The African Queen (1951), directed by John Huston

African Queen posterI serve as a volunteer matchmaker on an international internet site, and as a volunteer I can choose which age group on which to focus. Although I try to be helpful to people of all ages, I especially like to work with the over-40 crowd. This is a challenging group since I find that the over-40 group is perceived very negatively as consisting of people who are confused, commitment-phobic, who have unrealistic expectations about a marriage partner, and who possess a streak of selfishness. While there may be a grain of truth in such a stereotype, I have found that, in most cases, these people have simply not found their destined one yet. And so I research the site and try to find a suitable match, and sometimes I happily succeed.

The idea that love begins after 40 is given cinematic reality in the classic film, The African Queen, starring a mature Humphrey Bogart, who plays Charlie Allnut, and Katherine Hepburn, who plays Rose, a Christian missionary. Charlie Allnut delivers mail and supplies to a remote African village while World War I rages in Europe.  When a contingent of German soldiers arrives at the village and sets it afire, Rose’s brother, also a missionary, becomes despondent and commits suicide. Charlie volunteers to take Rose, his surviving sister, to safety, and so begins their dangerous journey on Charlie’s boat The African Queen.

Charlie and Rose come from different worlds, but destiny has thrown them together. What begins as an adversarial relationship eventually morphs into love as they share perilous adventures together. Surviving treacherous rapids and the gunfire of German troops, they bond through shared adversity.

What emerges from their mutual trials is the revelation that Charlie and Rose share a common humanity, an innate honesty, and a positive attitude towards life. They are vastly different from their public personas. Charlie is not the proverbial drunken sailor; nor is Rose the conventional missionary.

Also noteworthy is their honest self-appraisal. Rose and Charlie have no illusions about one another. They do not long for a younger love. They live in the moment and want every minute to count. This approach to life is captured exquisitely in the final scene of the film in which Charlie asks a German ship captain to marry Rose and him when they are about to be hung for spying. The captain concludes the ceremony and declares: “By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William II, I pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.” What happens next defies description. Suffice it to say, the loving couple lives happily ever after.

What makes for a match in Jewish tradition? The Talmud tells us that making a match is like splitting the Red Sea, a miracle of major proportions. As a matchmaker, I can never predict why two people ultimately will connect emotionally. I just make a calculated guess and leave the rest up to God. The African Queen provides several examples of Providence taking over to produce positive results. Rain comes to free a boat entangled in a swamp. Makeshift torpedoes hit a target without being launched by a human being. All demonstrate that we can only do our best; but to be successful, God has to intervene.

Finally, what underpins my volunteer work is the belief that what binds a couple together is not just physical attraction. There has to be an intellectual connection as well. Moreover, there has to be a feeling of a shared spiritual destiny. Therefore, on the client’s profile page, I pay close attention to self-descriptions more than to dimensions of height and weight. Proverbs teaches us that “beauty is vain.” It passes and then we are left with who we really are.

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Equilibrium (2002), directed by Kurt Wimmer

Equilibrium posterWhen I was in college in the 1960s, it was acceptable and fashionable to be a liberal arts major. I had friends who majored in philosophy, history, music, art, and English. Studying the liberal arts was cool because it meant you were a Renaissance man prepared for everything life had to offer. Liberal arts majors understood the past and were better able to navigate the future because of their well-rounded education. I remember hearing a lecture by Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik, a master of philosophy as well as Torah, in which he said that some of the most important decisions that one makes in life are not based on calculations, but on emotional leaps of faith. He cited the decision to get married to a particular person as one example.  All this ran through my mind as I watched Equilibrium, a violent science fiction thriller which posits that human emotion is the root cause of war and that the way to guarantee a peaceful future is to suppress all emotions.

 Equilibrium (2002) takes place after a Third World War, when a totalitarian state emerges from the ashes with a philosophy that human feelings are the primary cause of conflict in society. Therefore, the way to prevent war in the future is to ban all emotion, to make sensitivity a crime punishable by death. In this society, “sense offenders” are persecuted and all emotionally stimulating material, most of which is under the rubric of the liberal arts, is forbidden. To control people, everyone is required to take daily doses of Prozium, which suppress all emotion.

John Preston, a high-ranking officer and enforcer in this new government, notices that his partner has taken a book of poems from a sense offender rather than incinerate it. For the offense, Preston kills him. Before dying, his partner confesses that the feelings he experienced through reading the poetry were worth the cost of dying for it. When Preston accidently breaks his daily vial of Prozium, he too begins to feel and is remorseful over executing his partner. As time goes on, he deliberately skips his daily dose and becomes a more sensitive, more emotional man.

A crisis occurs when Preston arrests Mary O’Brien for sense offense. In a searing conversation, she asks him why is he alive, to which he responds: “to safeguard the continuity of this great society.” She reminds him of the circular nature of his response: “You exist to continue your existence. What’s the point?” Stymied, Preston asks: “What’s the point of your existence,” to which she answers” “To feel….it’s a vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock ticking.” Preston’s epiphany is now complete and he allies himself with the Underground Resistance forces to overthrow the government. The man of cold intellect is now the man of feeling.

When I first started learning Talmud, I was impressed with the braininess of the Sages who debated and analyzed the intricate text. It seemed to me that the Jewish people had created an aristocracy of intellect where the wise man’s opinion was the one that counted. As I matured in my studies, however, I realized that the Sages were not robots who simply knew all the answers. Rather, they were masters of human psychology, who comprehended not only text but understood in a deep way the thoughts and emotions of man. This is perhaps why one of my instructors told me that he would ask his teachers for advice not only because they were knowledgeable men, but because they understood him as a person as well. They understood his heart as well as his head, and that makes for true wisdom.

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Hachi: a dog’s tale (2009), directed by Lasse Hallstrom

Hachi posterA friend of mine has two dogs. Whenever he and his wife go on vacation, they place the dogs in what is essentially a dog hotel where they will be fed, walked, and cared for while they enjoy their time off from work. Several months ago, one of the dogs died and my friend went through a genuine grieving experience. He was depressed, very mellow instead of his usual upbeat self, and generally quiet as he processed his loss. When I spoke to him, I felt that the dog was not just a dog to him, but functioned like a human friend, always there with him in times of trouble to comfort him and provide a beacon of light in dark times. The dog was a real companion that made his life more happy, more positive, and more fulfilling.

My friend’s attitude towards dogs resonated as I watched Hachi, the story of a remarkable dog who feels a special bond with its owner. Sent as a gift in a cage from Japan, the cage falls off a baggage cart leaving the dog alone and in danger. Professor Parker Wilson finds him and tries to locate its owner but to no avail. Soon he forms an attachment with Hachi and keeps him, much to the dismay of his wife Cate, who does not want a dog in the house. Cate relents, however, and soon the dog feels at home in the Wilson household.

One morning, Hachi follows Parker to the train station and returns in the afternoon by himself. There he greets his master as he exits the train station after a day at work. This ritual continues for a very long time, until Parker suffers a sudden fatal heart attack. The Wilson house is sold, Cate moves away, and Parker’s daughter Andy and her husband Michael take Hachi to live with them. Hachi, however, finds a way to return to his original home and then to the train station where he waits patiently for Parker for the next nine years. Hachi is fed by local vendors who remember his devotion to Professor Parker each day as he waited for him to return home.

Hachi is a dog story, but it is more than that. Like Aesop’s fables, animal stories are a metaphor for the human experience. Hachi reminds us to be intensely aware of the gratitude that we should show towards friends and family. Hachi is a foundling and Parker rescues him. That act of kindness has a ripple effect, remembered by Hachi for the rest of his life and celebrated by the many people who witnessed this act of loyalty and devotion by a dog.

The Talmud makes a similar point when it tells us that if someone teaches us only a single letter or a single verse, we must give that person honor. We are indebted to all those who are benevolent towards us.

In Judaism, the training ground for the nurturing of kindness is the home. It is here that the kindnesses that spouses show for each other and the kindnesses that parents show for children are locked into the family’s DNA. Here acts of kindness happen in the moment, but they transcend the moment and establish a psychological bank account for generations. The changing of a diaper, the emergency trip to the hospital, the act of giving birth all create emotional connections that are unbreakable.

At the heart of Hachi is the message that kindness needs to remembered and perhaps even memorialized. It is a dog story that tells us how important and meaningful it is to treasure the kind acts of others.

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The Tree of Life (2011), directed by Terrence Malick

Tree of Life posterWhen I was 12 years old, I had what I would call an “outer-body experience.” I thought I was in the presence of God. It happened in Mountaindale, New York, in heart of the Catskill Mountains where I was a camper at a religious boys’ camp. We were singing and dancing on Friday night on the holy Sabbath, and suddenly my whole body was tingling. I felt spiritually touched, as if I had gotten an A+ on a final and hit a home run at the same time. It was an exquisite moment.

I also recall that as a very little child, my mother, of blessed memory, encouraged me to say the following prayer when I went to bed: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” My mother planted in me a sense of the spiritual life, a sense that God was involved with me. I remember that my earliest conception of God was that of an old man who lived on the top floor of my friend Victor Delgrasso’s house. He had an ancient face and a black moustache; and from my child’s perspective, he possessed a kind of divine mystery.

I share these very early childhood memories because they resurfaced as I watched Terrence Malick’s The Tree of Life, a one-of-a-kind movie that seriously attempts to give the viewer a notion of what life after death is like, and how love and forgiveness can enable us to cope with the inevitable inconsistencies and adversities that are part of existence.

Tree of Life takes place in the 1950s and recounts the story of a loving Texas family whose faith is tested in the crucible of life experience. The parents, played by Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain, experience the tragic death of two children, the father’s loss of his job, and the growing-up tensions between father and son that threaten to destroy their inherent love for one another. Life, which begins with hope and innocence, brings inconsistencies, loss, suffering, and death to the forefront, echoing the Book of Job which is quoted at several points in the film.

The story is told through the eyes of the 11-year-old son Jack and through the eyes of the adult Jack, a successful architect who seeks to discover meaning in a contemporary world where wealth is the measure of the man, not his spiritual sensitivity. The film is filled with images of doorways and ladders, as if to suggest that we need to enter another world to comprehend the one in which we are living.

The climax of the movie takes us through one of those doorways. As we cross the threshold, we glimpse the afterlife, an ethereal place where we are all reconciled with one another and where forgiveness is the operative emotion. Freed from the constraints of the real world, we can make peace with parents with whom we have had deep disagreements and create eternal bonds of love with people in our lives, both past and present, all of which makes our present life more bearable, meaningful, and spiritually satisfying. The Ethics of the Fathers tells us that one moment in the afterlife is more blissful than all of life in this world, suggesting that it is only from the aspect of eternity that we can truly transcend present adversities and appreciate the everyday miracles of life.

The Tree of Life, suffused with poetic images of beauty from all facets of creation, affirms that within one’s family are nurtured the seeds of love that allow us to endure and come to terms with the mysteries and tragedies of life.

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The Crucible (1996), directed by Nicolas Hytner

Crucible posterIn Israel, one of my jobs is teaching literature in an Israeli high school. A recent assignment was reading The Crucible, the celebrated Arthur Miller play which later was made into a movie whose screenplay was also written by Miller.

When one of my students asked why we are still reading this play, I responded that although it deals with the Salem witch trials of the 1690s and originally was written as an allegory of Senator Joe McCarthy’s Committee on Un-American Activities which took place in the 1950s, the play is still relevant today.

In a burst of creative energy, I googled  “movies about the McCarthy hearings” and discovered three dealing with the topic: the 1991 film Guilty by Suspicion, the 2005 film Goodnight and Good Luck and the 2007 documentary Trumbo. I then downloaded the trailers for all three films onto my iPad and showed them to my students before we read the play. I then asked them what is the common thread between those films. The answer: they all address the issue of being true to oneself, about being a person of integrity even at great personal cost. That is a topic of significance today as much as it was over fifty years ago when The Crucible first appeared.

The movie begins with a scene of teenage girls running in the forest at night conjuring love potions to encourage the affections of young men in Salem. Their dancing is witnessed by the local preacher who sees their wild behavior as witchcraft, the work of the devil. This eventually leads to a myriad of false innuendos and false accusations made in court about upright citizens, which unravel the bonds of community.

A central figure is Abigail Williams. She has had an affair with John Proctor, and wants to get rid of Proctor’s wife, Elizabeth, who stands in her way. In fact, she rejoices when Elizabeth, along with many others, is singled out as a witch condemned to death for trafficking with the devil. With her gone, John will be free to marry her. Absorbed in her own selfish needs, she threatens her peers not to contradict her perjury and they oblige.

Numbers of innocent people are sentenced to death on the testimony of this group of girls who have fabricated stories of devil worshipping among the righteous pillars of the town. To stop the hangings, John Proctor is compelled to admit his own moral mistake and he, too, is condemned to death.

In a powerful, poetic scene on a windy day by the sea, he has a frank conversation with his wife in which they finally communicate in an open and honest way with one another and confess their shortcomings as husband and wife. It is an emotional tableau of reconciliation that touches the heart and mind. In the end, Proctor values life and agrees to confess to Judge Danforth, the presiding judge in the witch trials.

But there is a problem. Danforth wants Proctor’s signed confession to be posted on the church door for the entire community to see. That will blacken Proctor’s name forever. In an impassioned speech, he cries out: “How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul, leave me my name!”

The Ethics of the Fathers tell us that our most important possession is not our wealth or our knowledge but rather our good name. More important than the priesthood or kingship is our reputation. John Proctor understands this well. He wonders aloud: “I have three children—how can I teach them to walk like men in the world?” If his name is besmirched, then how will his children regard him? Leaving them his farm or his wealth is meaningless if he cannot leave them his good name. A good reputation is a legacy that transcends the generations.

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Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (2011), directed by Stephen Daldry

During my years as a synagogue rabbi, I would often speak at funerals and do my best to comfort the bereaved, but it wasn’t until I myself experienced a loss that I could truly empathize with the mourner. With time, we do adjust to the loss and life continues; but the shadow still remains. It is felt particularly when we have something good to share with family members, and we suddenly realize they are no longer here to share the moment with us.

When I achieved my crowning academic achievement, a doctorate in English Literature, my mother and father had already passed away; and I felt their absence acutely, for they would have enjoyed the moment with me as only a parent can celebrate the good things that happen in the life of a child. This sense of loss was intensified when I suddenly lost my wife in January of 1989. This was a tragedy of a different kind. My world fell apart. It was my personal 9/11.

Let me share a strange yet normal memory. I remember very vividly having chicken soup at the home of a friend in Israel after the funeral in Beit Shemesh. The soup was so tasty that I asked my host for the recipe so I could give it to my wife. I could not comprehend that she was no longer here.

I still can make no sense of the tragedy that affected our entire family during those dark January days. Perhaps this is why I responded positively to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, a film that deals in a thoughtful, nuanced way with the loss of a husband and father on 9/11.

The film recounts the story of Oskar Schell, a young boy whose father perishes on 9/11 in the Twin Towers. Through flashbacks, we see the close and loving relationship that existed between father and son. When Oskar’s father dies, the loss is devastating and he is inconsolable.

A year later, he explores his father’s closet and discovers a key in an envelope with the name “Black” written on it. Oskar then sets out on a journey to find out what the key fits, thinking that it is a message from his father. The journey connects him with a wide assortment of people who listen to his story, often befriend him, and share life’s wisdom with him.

In time, Oskar comes to terms with the reality that some things in life never make sense. His mother, suffering her own emotional pain, remarks: “It’s never gonna make sense because it doesn’t.” That does not mean, however, that one cannot find comfort in the memories a loved one leaves behind, in the life lessons learned from a beloved spouse or parent who is no longer in this world. The mystical figure of a person falling to his death at the beginning of the film is reversed at the end. The falling image falls up instead of down, signifying that Oskar has matured, conquered his fears, and is now ready to move on with the memories of his Dad animating him as he transitions into adulthood.

What happens in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is in many ways a reflection of the Jewish mourning cycle. The initial seven day grieving period is intense. The mourner does not even leave his home. But at the end of the week, the custom is to walk around the block, to begin a new cycle as it were. The pain is still there, but God is telling us to keep going in spite of tragedy. We will never understand the reasons for tragedy, but Jewish tradition reminds us that tragedy should not be the only thing that defines us, nor should it paralyze us as we face an uncertain future.

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Tender Mercies (1983), directed by Bruce Beresford

When I was a synagogue rabbi in the early 70s, one of my most unsettling moments occurred when I had to officiate at the funeral of a teenage boy who died in a horrific accident. It was a rainy day, as if God Himself were weeping. What made it especially painful was the fact the father of the boy was a Holocaust survivor. I was amazed when I looked at the family during the eulogy. There was palpable, overwhelming sadness in the air; but the family’s faith in the face of terrible tragedy was manifest. A number of years later, this man’s wife was murdered in a random act of violence, and I could not help but wonder how the family could survive such a progression of tragedies, and yet they did. The Ethics of the Fathers tells us that man can never understand the ways of the infinite God, and so we move through life with unanswered questions all around us. The pain never goes away, but we find ways to cope.

Tender Mercies, a beautiful story of personal redemption in the face of adversity, reminds us that we can never know why things happen. All we can do is appreciate the tender mercies God grants to us in our lives which are filled with interludes of happiness and sadness.

Mac Sledge, played by Robert Duvall, is an over-the-hill country music star whose alcoholism has ruined his career. He awakens one morning in a forsaken Texas roadside motel and meets the owner, Rosa Lee, a young widow with a son named Sonny, who has lost her husband in Vietnam. She offers him room and board in exchange for his work at her motel and gas station on the condition that he does not drink while he is working for her. Over time, their feelings for one another grow and Mac eventually asks Rosa Lee to marry him. They attend church regularly and Mac finds that life is now full of promise. His emotional baptism ceremony represents his break with the past and his resolve to see life anew. Rosa Lee is largely responsible for his spiritual conversion. In a poignant scene, she tells Mac that “I say my prayers for you and when I thank the Lord for his tender mercies, you’re at the head of the list.”

With such love and encouragement, Mac’s life slowly turns around. His reputation as a songwriter inspires young musicians, and Mac decides to resurrect his career as a country music artist in a modest way. Secretly, however, he yearns to reconnect with his daughter, Sue Anne, whom he has not seen for many years. When the meeting occurs, it is filled with the hope of reconciliation; but tragically Sue Anne is killed in an automobile accident only days after they meet.

The trajectory of his life is a mystery to Mac and he wonders aloud to Rosa Lee: “I don’t know why I wandered out to this part of Texas drunk, and you took me in and pitied me and helped me to straighten out, marry me. Why? Why did that happen? Is there a reason that happened? And Sonny’s Daddy died in the war, my daughter killed in an automobile accident. Why?”

In the final scene of the movie, Mac has an epiphany. While throwing a football with Sonny, he smiles. He finally comprehends that finite man cannot know the answers to the riddles of life.  Mac has lost a daughter, but he can still be a father to Sonny.  A feeling of purpose animates his life in spite of personal failures and family tragedies. His story echoes the adage from Proverbs, which says that “seven times the righteous will fall, and then they will rise again.” In the Jewish view, it is important to fail forward, to use failure as a way to stimulate emotional growth and understanding.

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J. Edgar (2011), directed by Clint Eastwood

I have a friend, or rather I had a friend, who was very accomplished, bright, articulate, and the energy behind many worthwhile community projects. But there was a problem. In spite of his many achievements, he was disliked by many people because he was always critical of those around him who did not meet his expectations, who in his view did not meet his high professional standards.

Moreover, he regularly made negative comments about other people and made critical comments to me as well. Although I felt he clearly was alienating everyone, I did not feel he was ready to hear my reproof and so I kept my silence. When my personal schedule changed making it impossible for me to see him on a regular basis, I felt relieved to be out of his orbit.  Finally I would have a day free of criticism and negativity. My friend was a success in many ways, but no one liked him. His constant criticism alienated even those who admired his talents and his community accomplishments.

I thought of him as I watched J. Edgar, a biopic of J. Edgar Hoover, the long time director of the FBI, a man who did a great deal of good for the country by introducing scientific methodology into the crime solving process, but whose legacy was tarnished by his cold and harsh persona which distanced even those who admired his professional achievements. J. Edgar never realized that people do not like to be reminded daily of their imperfections and where they fall short. He may have spoken his mind, but his words were like arrows that left others bleeding.

The film begins with J. Edgar telling his story to a writer in an attempt to set the historical record straight about his life and deeds. Told in a series of flashbacks, the movie is fascinating in its analysis of historical events such as the capture of celebrated criminals like John Dillinger and in revealing the painstaking scientific methodology that enabled the FBI to track down Bruno Hauptmann, the kidnapper and murderer of the Lindbergh baby. The film’s attention to period detail and its overall verisimilitude makes you feel that you are witnessing history.

What emerges from the narrative, however, are not only the solid accomplishments of the Bureau but J.Edgar’s ubiquitous critical tone towards almost everyone. Even when FBI agent Melvin Purvis captures  John Dillinger, the nation’s most wanted criminal, J. Edgar finds fault with him and wants to reassign him to a desk job. In the end, J. Edgar has no friends; only one or two people remain loyal to him because of their long-standing association with him, not because they love him.

J. Edgar is alone at the end of this life because he fails to see the good in people around him. The Ethics of the Fathers tells us that every person is presumed to be of good character unless there is hard evidence to the contrary. That is the bedrock of a civilized society which depends on trust and good will among its citizens. J. Edgar, however, looked for the dirt in others, not the diamonds.

Moreover, the Talmud tells us that God is pleased with man when men behave pleasantly towards one another. Kindness lubricates society. It makes people want to share with others and help others less fortunate. It places the emphasis on the good of the community, not on self-promotion even when it benefits the community. Sadly, J. Edgar gets lost in his own notoriety and it diminishes his reputation. His story reminds us to focus on catching people doing something right and sharing one’s achievements with all those who contributed to the successful completion of an enterprise. In this way, we can leave an enduring and positive legacy.

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A Bronx Tale (1993), directed by Robert DeNiro

When I served as principal of Yeshiva High School of Atlanta, I was always interested in discovering ways to become a better principal. One influential book I read was about Frank Boyden, who, for over 60 years, was the headmaster of Deerfield Academy, a prestigious private high school in New England. The essential idea behind his supervisory style is MBWA, management by wandering around. This meant that a principal should not squirrel himself in his office, but rather be a ubiquitous presence in the hallways and classrooms of the school. A sure path to administrative mediocrity is to isolate oneself from his students. A token of his total involvement with his pupils was his placement of his desk in the corridors of the school. He wanted to be visible to his students. Boyden’s story was inspiring, and for a brief time I also situated my desk in the hallway to be more available to my students.

The memory of this management approach resurrected itself as I watched A Bronx Tale, a profanity-laced coming of age story of growing up in a mobster-infested neighborhood of the Bronx in the 1960’s.

Calogero, a young boy with Sicilian roots, is raised in a loving and ethically focused home by his hard working parents, but he is entranced by the charisma of the local Mafia boss, Sonny. For a number of reasons, Calogero, later called “C,” sees Sonny as his surrogate father and begins to emulate his ways, and Sonny views C as the son he never had.

In one telling encounter, Sonny reveals to C that he learned his management style from Machiavelli, the celebrated Italian author of The Prince, a wise and ruthless treatise on how to gain and keep political power. Machiavelli always wanted to be close to his enemies to prevent their plots against him. His ubiquitous presence, or as Sonny terms it, his “availability,” placed him in the best position to control events around him. When C asks him whether it is better to be loved or feared, Sonny tells him it is better to be feared, for ultimately that is where the power is.

What does this have to do with supervising a school or management in general? In managing any enterprise, those in management positions sometimes are compelled to assert their authority and tell people things they do not want to hear, to be the bearer of ill tidings. But that is what a supervisor occasionally must do. It is not pleasant, but it must be done. Although we want people to love us, this cannot always be.

The Torah tells us that the mourning period for Aaron was longer than for Moses because the people loved Aaron more. He loved peace and pursued peace. In contrast, Moses was the law giver, the one who gave rebuke and correction to the people. He was respected but not necessarily loved.

The message of the Torah is love others, but to know that there are times when fear and respect are called for. Nowhere is this more relevant than when we function as parents. We want our kids to love us, but we have to strike a balance between love and fear. That is why the Torah expresses the commandment of honoring parents twice, to manifest the balanced way we have to parent.

A Bronx Tale, grounded in the violent and crime ridden streets of New York, obliquely echoes the reality of parenting with different paradigms and, more directly, the reality of successfully managing any important enterprise with a blend of love and authority.

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